About loving and hating one’s own body.
Once I was walking back from the office. On the roadside, there were two women standing under an umbrella stall. The kind you see on beaches, where a big umbrella is shading a small table and people sell things. One of the women quickly said “Good evening ma’am, please check your weight.” In the next minute, before I could process things I was standing on a weighing machine which was right there on the roadside.
Then they went on to explain how I was overweight given my height and how they have a program to “help people like me”. I was appalled by all of this happening so instantly. My brain had only two last cells functioning owing to a tiresome day at the office. I said no and walked away. I calmed myself down thinking these women might have struggled to get even this job — saleswomen for a weight loss program.
Recently, I was buying chips from a shop. A man walked up to me. Out of courtesy and my habit, I smiled a ‘small’ smile at him. One that is appropriate enough for a stranger and meant nothing beyond it. I had no idea I would regret it so much later. This guy, after taking a good look at me, advised against me buying the chips. He went on to explain how it would make me fatter and that I should eat only healthy and do workouts. Total random stranger.
I was not in the mood to pick up a fight or spend my energy being angry. I told him, that what I eat is up to me. Later he came up to me again and explained how he has been going for walks and how he has lost weight and become fitter. I just replied, “good for you!”
Irritated by this guy’s behaviour, my friends who were nearby, talked back and later he apologized. When I think back, I understand why I didn’t want to argue or be in a negative mood. But I still feel that I didn’t speak enough for myself. Should I have explained to him, why what he was doing is so wrong? That being a complete stranger he has no right to make judgements and give unsolicited opinions on how I live? Would the fact that I didn’t make myself clear or stronger enough make him do this again to other people? Would he have done the same to a fat man?
This ended up in my list of incidences which I could have dealt with better. I could have reacted stronger and made it clearer why the person was wrong. Yet I forgave myself for not engaging too much because at that moment I didn’t want to.
Who has not felt insecure about their body? Everyone does. What part of your body, you feel about and how you feel, only varies from person to person. Sometimes it is the complexion, sometimes the height, from acne to features — many things could be the reason why we feel insecure about our own bodies. Often it is the excess or lack of one’s weight. How fat or slim one looks.
I was a very slender person till I was 19–20 years old. My nicknames at school included ‘eerkili’ (Malayalam word for the thin long spine of a coconut palm leaf strand), ‘neerkoli’ (Malayalam word for the slender watersnake) etc. People assumed I didn’t eat enough while in reality, I was such a foodie. I used to eat a lot back then!
Later I gained a lot of weight. Initially, I didn’t realize that I was gaining weight. It was a shocker when clothes began to not-fit. Until now, I have lost weight and regained it a couple of times. I eat consciously nowadays. Yet, people assume you eat a lot when you are fat, while in fact, it could be because of hormonal issues, or other reasons.
Nothing else matters as long as you are healthy and you like your body. But let us be realistic. Our world is so laden with a single image of beauty and fitness that we internalize fatphobia. No matter how many times, we pronounce I am curvy/thin and I love it, deep inside we often crave to look like something else.
Those insensitive aunties or uncles who may begin any conversation with the question “Oh you have gotten fat/become too thin” never helps. So are those friends or colleagues who make self-depreciating comments on themselves or congratulate another for being skinny.
I used to look at my photos from the times when I was slim, and desperately desire to have that body back. But the truth is I never appreciated it when I had that body. Then I craved stronger arms, smoother skin and so on. We rarely appreciate what we currently have, we crave either the lost ‘beauty’ of the past or an impractical future of an unattainable body. A kind of desirable body which doesn’t go with our genetic physiology or calorie demands, but one we have seen again and again in media.
We end up having a love-hate relationship with food and fitness when we have internalized fatphobia. We love food so much but think it is disfiguring our bodies and end up feeling guilty for every ounce of sweet we take. Or every grain of rice. We may love to go for a walk otherwise but when the moment we are pressured to calculate the calories burned versus the calories eaten, it might get stressful.
Personally, I love to run, occasionally strength train etc. I like doing them with feasible rigour, whenever I have the time. But I begin to hate working out when people ask me “aren’t you working out?” as if it is expected of me given my fat looks. Or “I heard you are getting married, so you must be dieting to lose weight.”
“No, thanks, I am not. I am marrying, I am working on myself but not for the wedding look. Not to be someone who can fit into a Lehenga for the day.” Even when I determinedly say this, deep inside I am worrying that the people at my wedding are going to take one look at me and see the big mass of bones and fat and muscles I am: they are just going to see the “fatness” of the bride.
I have had moments during which I lost my cool and yelled at people who made fun of or questioned my body. Over time I have realized that dealing with one’s bodily insecurities is an ongoing process. The love for yourself has to be nurtured and constantly worked on. We need to set our own processes to remind ourselves that we love ourselves, our imperfect bodies.
Carefully seeing your whole body in a mirror, taking photos, understanding the curves, acknowledging the acne and pimples, and writing about yourself in a journal are a few ways to go. I moisturize my body with an extra bit of love. I make sure I reach every spot and I tell myself, this is who I am. I draw self-portraits where I keenly observe my body.
It is easy to internalize fatphobia especially when we live in a world of the market which is full of products to “get skinny/get healthy” and people who are so drunk in the propaganda. What is difficult is to have a healthy journey without compromising mental and emotional health by hating yourself. May you strive to achieve what you desire and thrive on mindful eating, proper hydration, ample sleep and lots of love.
